Matters of Life & Love – Families – June

Reader Question: “I don’t know anyone in our family, friend and community groups who are not experiencing real effects of the ‘cost of living’ crisis.  Things are not at crisis point for our family, but life is getting very tight. We have three children in various sport and creative afterschool programs that we are considering not doing for the rest of the year. How do I break this to them? How will I cope?”

Dearly Beloved.

My heart goes out to you and your family as you face this time of hardship. I look at the young couples and families around me today and wonder ‘how do they do it all?’ I know times are tough and hard choices are being made by many, but families these days also seem incredibly busy and scheduled.

I have my own vivid memories of our early years of kids and marriage in a terrifying financial rollercoaster, white knuckling the bills and activities from month to month. I remember just how soul crushing it felt to be in financial strain and having to say to my children ‘no’ because we couldn’t afford things. It was impossible not to feel as though I was limiting their opportunities.  There was no other choice.

Without knowing the ages of your kids – it is hard to know and be sure how much they understand and can observe – however I do believe that for any kids of school age, you can find a way to communicate age-appropriately how you need to navigate these times as a family.

It might be hard for a child to hear a ‘NO’ and to have sports and activities reduced, but I can only imagine it would be harder and hurt more to not understand why.  Beyond ‘we can’t afford it’ I would consider taking the extra step and give greater explanation so that you can share the context of how priorities and decisions are made.  This may also offer a sense of security – not just a vague ‘we can’t afford’ things – but we just need to choose with more care right now where our money gets directed.

Whilst it perhaps risks the loss of an innocence to have the veil lifted by parents to see the harder realities of adult life – there is also a need to respect that children are always learning about the world – and this give you the chance to introduce the themes and concepts of money, work, time, and budgets in a way that can be loving, compassionate and an important values-based discussion with your kids.

You can speak to them about the need to live within a budget and means. You can acknowledge and empathise that it is hard and difficult to want for things you don’t have the means for at that time – and allow and affirm it is natural and OK to feel sad, angry or disappointed.  It also offers an important teaching portal about how to manage hard feelings, sit with difficulty, disappointment and sadness safely – and find support, love and empathy.

Once you feel and move through the feelings – we can learn how to pick ourselves up, look around, and find out how to make the best of what you have.  Discover the things of value and beauty that are found in the moments of simplicity, connection, imagination, and nature.

So many families I see in my practice are extremely fatigued. Over scheduling is real and there is plenty of evidence to suggest it is, in fact, detrimental to the wellbeing of both kids and parents.  The antidote to this is implementing a conscious return to simplicity, free-range play and open time for discovery.  There is also documented research that speaks to the value of boredom as the catalyst for imagination and creativity.

You ask how you will cope? Maybe one silver lining is that all of you can get a bit of rest and find a sense of spaciousness can be built into to your diaries.  Of all the things of priceless value – our most valuable commodity is TIME.  You will be saving money and become rich in TIME.

I can hear myself sounding as old as I am by saying this next sentence – “I remember when I was a kid, the best times were the magic mooching moments with nothing to do but discover the garden, collect cicadas, get lost in a book, daydream with the clouds and jump in puddles and play in the mud with my mates” 😊  But it’s true!

If you need to dial back the spending on new things, and remove extracurricular activities and sports, have a discussion on what can fill those spaces and places of focus. Work together as a family to help find solutions and simple activities to build into a new program and lifestyle. This could look like exploring the beach, playdates with friends, a bushwalk, puzzles, writing/drawing stories, making up dances and shows, learning to bake, taking up a craft or hobby project?

The most important experiences and childhood needs and wants – which are most valuable – are love, safety, affection, security and health.  They want to know they are loved and safe.

Will you and your children see or notice other peers having things and doing more than they experience? Maybe yes, and maybe everyone else is also in the same boat.  Maybe every other parent adjacent to you will see you model simplification and feel safe to also follow suit?  Maybe everyone will breathe a sigh of relief that everyone is dialling the pressure back on keeping up with the never-ending treadmill of consumption and calendared time!

Enjoy the experiment.  You may never go back even if the financial crunch eases.

Much love

Sarah x

Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love: Sarah is a marriage therapist, life & love and relationship coach, end-of-life consultant, an independent and bespoke funeral director and holistic celebrant. She provides holistic care, mentoring, guidance, healing and transformation for individuals, couples and families at their most important times of life & love – at end-of-life, in love & relationship, and in ritual and celebration. Sarah has a relationship online course for couples called “Creating a Miracle Marriage”; a wellbeing course, called “How do you feel?”; and a free resource and video series for families facing dying, death and grief called “Landscapes of Life & Love and Loss”.  To find out more, visit www.sarahtolmie.com.au and www.lifeandlove.teachable.com