Who’s Job is it anyway?

**“Whose Job Is It Anyway?”

The Invisible Weight of the Mental Load — and How Couples Can Start Sharing It for Real**

By Sarah Tolmie
Relationship Therapist, Holistic Celebrant & Family Ritualist
Life & Love Holistic Community Care

Every day, in my couple therapy practice, I sit with beautiful humans who are exhausted, misunderstood, resentful — and yearning for something better. Not always better between them, but better around them. In the home. In the partnership. In the everyday work of running a family life.

They don’t come in waving banners that say, “Help! Our division of labour is unfair!”

They come in saying things like:

• “I’m drowning. He doesn’t see it.”

• “She always assumes I’ll do it.”

• “If I don’t plan it, no one does.”

• “I work too. Why is it still all on me?”

• “We don’t even fight anymore — we just keep score.”

Sound familiar?

This is the quiet epidemic inside modern relationships:
The unequal distribution of the mental, emotional, and domestic load.

It’s not a new problem, but it’s become more visible, more named, and more painful as couples try to navigate dual careers, conscious parenting, and egalitarian ideals — while still dragging generations of gendered conditioning behind them.

So let’s name it properly. Let’s look at the mindset keeping us stuck. And let’s begin (gently) to untangle the mess — for the health of our relationships, and for the little eyes watching.

The Family is a Business — But Who’s the CEO?

Let’s imagine for a moment that your family is a business.
(Stay with me here, even if the idea feels a bit unromantic.)

There are assets to manage. Projects to coordinate. Meals to prep. Appointments to schedule. Little humans to raise. Logistics to juggle. Emotional needs to be met. Revenue to generate. Sick leave to take. Systems to run.

But in most families, this “business” doesn’t have two equal co-directors.

It has one person carrying the vision, the to-do list, the admin, the care work — the one who sees everything.
And another person who (often unintentionally) just clocks in for assigned tasks and then clocks back out.

This imbalance, often gendered, leaves one partner with burnout, and the other with blind spots.
And both wondering why they’re not feeling close anymore.

“But I Do Stuff Too!” — Why Tallying Tasks Doesn’t Work

This is where many couples fall into the scorecard trap.
“If I did the school run, you need to do the laundry.”
“I worked all day — why haven’t you cooked?”
“You went out last night — now it’s my turn.”

This tit-for-tat approach feels logical — fair, even. But here’s the problem:

It’s not about who does more. It’s about who carries more.  And, it can also be about capacity (in the moment).

The “mental load” isn’t measured in hours or chores. It’s the constant, invisible hum of responsibility — anticipating, managing, and worrying about the household, the kids, the birthdays, the school emails, the emotional climate. It’s often held by the partner socialised into noticing and caring about it all.

And trading tasks doesn’t fix the imbalance if only one of you holds the master calendar in their head.

And when you can think in capacities, not tallying a count, then that can transform you back into a team – a mutual load balancing single unit.

Why We Get Stuck Here: Gender, Ego & Resentment

Let’s get honest.

Even in the most progressive households, gender norms run deep. Many men grew up watching mothers manage the home while fathers “helped” occasionally. Many women were raised to anticipate needs, smooth out conflict, and hold emotional space for everyone.

So we replicate these patterns — unconsciously.

There’s also ego. Pride. Sometimes even a quiet superiority — “I do things the right way.” Or: “If you cared, you’d just know.” Or: “This isn’t that hard. Why can’t you just do it?”

Resentment grows silently in this soil.

When it’s not addressed, it builds walls. Distance. Disdain.
That’s when couples stop turning toward each other — and start turning away. Or inward. Or against.

And the home — the very centre of your love story — becomes a battlefield of grudges and sighs.

What Are We Modelling for Our Kids?

Perhaps the most heartbreaking consequence is this:

We are teaching our children — silently, powerfully — how to be in partnership.

They are watching who carries what.

They are absorbing who gets to rest and who must remember.
They are learning what care looks like, who receives it, and who gets praised for “helping.”

If we want to raise a generation of relationally intelligent, emotionally literate, mutually respectful humans, we have to show them how love works in practice.

Real Solutions — Not Just Better Chore Charts

So what’s the way forward?

Here’s where I lovingly invite couples to shift from task trading to shared investment.

1. Build a “We” Mindset
This isn’t “her domain” or “his job.”
This is our life, our household, our children, our peace.
Can you see it all as a shared creation — not a divided list?

2. Share the Leadership — Not Just the Labour
Decision-making. Noticing. Anticipating. Managing.
Not just the doing, but the holding.
Can both partners take true ownership?

3. Upgrade Your Conversations
Drop the scorekeeping. Bring in curiosity.
Ask: “What do you need?”
“I noticed you’re carrying a lot — how can I step in?”
“What part of our shared life needs attention right now?”

4. Redesign Your Systems — Together
What works for your family? Weekly check-ins? Planning rituals? Emotional labour swaps? A visible whiteboard? Delegation to teens? Outsourcing?
Make it a shared design — not a solo burden.

5. Honour the Invisible Work
Start naming and valuing what usually goes unspoken.
The mental load is work.
Emotional care is work.
Logistical management is work.
It deserves recognition and redistribution.

A Final Word of Hope (and a Nudge)

If any of this has touched a nerve, that’s okay.
It means you’re awake to something that matters.

And if your relationship feels stuck in an unfair pattern — don’t despair.
This is not a sign your love is broken.

It’s a sign that your systems are outdated. Your roles are under renegotiation. Your inner worlds need a bridge — not a battleground.

You can change the rhythm. You can co-create a new way.

It begins with honesty, humility, and heart.

Because in the end, partnership isn’t about getting it perfectly even.
It’s about being equally devoted to the life you’re building — and the people you’re becoming — together.

Sarah Tolmie is a Relationship Therapist, Holistic Celebrant, Grief Guide and Love Warrior. She helps modern couples rediscover intimacy, meaning, and shared purpose in the chaos of life. Learn more at www.sarahtolmie.com.au