How Hard Is It to Say “I’m Sorry”?

(And Why It’s Not Always About Being Wrong)

It’s remarkable, isn’t it? Those two little words — I’m sorry — can feel heavier to lift than a piano up three flights of stairs.

Lately in my couples sessions, I’ve been inviting partners to use “I’m sorry” as a kind of relationship care tool. Not an admission of guilt. Not a confession of crime. Not a grovel. But an empathetic gesture.

It’s an apology with no blame and no shame.
It’s the caregiver’s “I see you” in the middle of relational weather.
It’s a simple way of saying:

I can feel that you’re hurting.
I can acknowledge that.
And I care enough to let you know.

The “Fake Apology” Myth

Recently, I suggested to a couple that one partner offer a warm, “I’m really sorry,” in response to the other’s pain. Both looked at me like I’d just recommended ordering pineapple on pizza.

“But wouldn’t that be a fake apology?” they asked.

Ah, here we are. The sticking point.
We’ve been taught to think that “I’m sorry” must mean:

I was wrong.
You were right.
I’m taking all the blame.

No wonder so many people avoid it. If that’s your definition, then apologizing feels like kneeling before the gallows.

But there’s another kind of apology — one rooted in empathy rather than culpability. It’s not a performance. It’s not manipulation. It’s simply validation.

In Gottman Method terms, this is part of the antidote work to the Four Horsemen:

Complain without blame (instead of criticism).
Take accountability (instead of defensiveness).
A genuine, empathy-based “I’m sorry” is a shortcut to both.

So, What Is a Fake Apology?

You’ve probably met the cousins of the fake apology before:

The Conditional Apology: I’m sorry… if you were offended.
The Deflective Apology: I’m sorry you feel that way (subtext: but you’re still wrong).
The Transactional Apology: I said sorry, now can we drop it?

These don’t land. Why? Because they’re not actually about the other person’s emotional reality — they’re still centred on the speaker’s discomfort or need to get out of trouble.

The No-Blame, No-Shame Apology in Action

Here’s how an empathy-based apology sounds:

I’m really sorry you’ve had such a hard day.
I’m sorry this conversation feels so painful right now.
I’m sorry you’ve been carrying this on your own.

Notice — there’s no admission of fault, just recognition of experience.

It’s the verbal equivalent of putting a blanket over someone’s shoulders. You’re not arguing about who left the window open in the first place — you’re simply helping them get warm.

Why It Matters for Connection and Repair

In long-term relationships, these moments of micro-repair matter more than we think. In the atonement arc of couple work, empathy-based apologies are the small stitches that stop emotional tears from becoming wide rifts.

When a partner hears “I’m sorry” in this way, they often feel seen, soothed, and softened — which makes actual problem-solving far more possible.

Sometimes the fastest way to resolve an argument isn’t proving who’s right, but proving you still care.

The Caregiver’s Hat

When you put on your caregiver’s hat in a relationship, your first priority isn’t justice — it’s connection. An empathetic apology is one of the quickest, simplest ways to nurture that connection, especially when emotions are raw.

So — is it hard to say “I’m sorry”?
For many people, yes. But not because the words are complicated. It’s because we’ve confused apology with surrender, rather than seeing it for what it can be: