Article for Kidz on the Coast magazine Aug/Sept 2009
Tears and laughter….they are the punctuation marks of our family triumphs and dramas. They are an essential part of life’s journey, and when balanced together, the laughter and tears help all to navigate through both the good and tough times.
A couple of weeks ago we were going through a tough, busy phase and the family was feeling the stress. My children’s behaviour was becoming truly revolting, with a lot of biff and bickering happening between the boys. My husband and I were both becoming increasingly frustrated and we found ourselves swept into the cycle of nagging and yelling too. We’d had weeks of rain and it was miserably cold and wet. And quite frankly we were all a bit fed up, cranky and bored.
One afternoon, in the car drive home from school, another fight erupted. I literally reached the end of my tether and burst into tears in front of my two horrified sons. As soon as we got home, I took myself off to bed, continuing to cry, and tried to escape under the blanket for as long as it took for my life to be magically restored to harmony and happiness.
Wow….those tears really worked! Not only did I need a really good cry, but it totally shocked my kids into realising I am not a robot, but human. I am a mum just trying to do my best and I have feelings and frustrations that can overwhelm too. The younger son came in very contrite and apologetic, wanting desperately to please and make mummy happy. My older son, who admittedly had copped the brunt of my wrath, took a bit longer to come round. Later that night it took a lengthy family ‘roundtable’ for all of us to discuss what was making us unhappy and not working.
In our ‘busyness’ we had forgotten to take a break and have some fun. Once we realised the problem, all we needed was a bit of a circuit breaker from the doldrums and drudge. For a quick and easy solution we rented some funny family movies and sat around and laughed together. It was such a great tonic. We had a special family dinner, played some games and told some funny stories. It was nice to see the smiles return to everyone’s faces.
As for a longer term strategy, we have made a pact to try and not yell. The idea is that we will try and stop ourselves from responding to an annoyance with a flash of angry words but rather, take a breath, pause, focus on the person, try to find the absurdity in the situation, and even maybe, smile and laugh instead. It sounds a bit ‘Pollyanna’ish” I know, but it has been strangely effective. Of course, there are some things that still fail to be funny and all I can do to stop flying off into a rant is pause, take a breath, and calmly speak, “For the fifth time, get your shoes on please”. But we have all been trying and for weeks now, things have been pretty good.
Even an acute situation of hardship can be made bearable by laughter and sharing our stories. This week my best friend’s son was facing serious surgery. As we waited out the week of tests leading up to his surgery, we spent our time around his bedside telling stories and laughing. The tedium and pain of his long-stay hospital experience was forgotten briefly and for a while we really were experiencing the truth of that old cliché, laughter is the best medicine.
The healing and connecting power of laughter and tears is something I see as an essential component in the ceremonies I conduct. In fact, ceremonies often provide a safe place for people to express their emotions and sharing our laughter and tears with other people can create a special, unifying experience. The origin of ritual and ceremony are linked closely to storytelling and oral history, and at the heart of a great and enjoyable ceremony is a good story. A great marriage ceremony should take you on a joyful journey through one couples’ path to love and commitment. There should be moments of laughter and fun, and elements of solemnity and reverence, usually found during the vows. Similarly with a funeral, this important ceremony is really about the story of someone’s life. The best funerals I have participated in have been ones where there have been hilarious stories retold and lots of belly laughs in amongst the obvious sadness and grief that inevitably accompanies the loss and pain of death.
This is life and love in all its richness and complexity. Don’t forget to laugh and cry. Do both with gusto. Both are essential in equal measure.
