Matters of Life & Love – On The Coast 55+ – SEPT 2022

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Reader Question: “Our adult children (they are in their mid-20’s) still live with us. We are entering our 60’s and looking to downsize and change things up and maybe travel. When we were their age, we were house sharing and travelling and well flown the coop. I don’t think they are going anywhere. How do we tell them we’re done!?”

Dearly beloved.

When I left home at 18 to house share, travel and live in a cockroach-infested, crumbly terrace in Redfern within walking distance to Sydney University, the first thing my parents did was turn my bedroom into a glass roofed conservatory. Any prospect of ever returning home was dashed and occupied instead by plants and succulents.  True! I kid you not.

Now I am not suggesting major knock down renovations if they go off for a holiday, but let’s not rule it out. It works! But seriously, this is a tough one.

Because, it really does seem unnaturally, unfairly harder for young adults today.  The cost of living, the cost of education and ‘adulting’ seems truly inflated compared to ‘our day’. It’s hard, but in some ways, it is just a different version of hard.  As a coach once said to me, “Sarah, it’s ok.  Life and love is sometimes hard. We can do hard things!”

As each generation comes through, they are further and further distanced and sheltered from the hardships of the generation before them.  Remember when we didn’t have mobile phones and computing? We got paid in cash with paper payslips? Remember when there were no credit cards, AfterPay or the bank of ‘mum and dad? Remember when you just had to ‘live within your means’ and maybe that meant you had to work two jobs?

I remember at Uni, living on porridge, rice and semolina and hanging out for the wonderful $2 vegetarian meals provided by the Hari Krishna club, and eating staff meals at my night time week night pub job and weekend, fine dining waitressing.  I lived off my tips, jangling home with a bra full of coins and small notes.

OK. Enough small violins. And yet, we can do hard things. They can do hard things too. It’s not permanent, just a part of an essential part of life and love’s rollercoaster.

Maybe it needs a family heart-to-heart sharing with your children your feelings, needs and desires.  Maybe it’s putting a plan in place to give them time to think about how they’d like to own their next steps into independence and adulthood and discussing a time frame for future moves.

Life is too short to not at some point in time, put yourself first.  It is ok to step away from parenting obligations once your kids are adults. Life is about continual transitions and changes and evolutions.  Even into our adulthood and mid-life, we can invite transformation, change and new directions. We must learn to embrace these – especially the ones of our choosing and desires – because trust me, life will impose transformations, change and new directions anyway.  You may as well get in first and choose your own adventure.

And who knows, there is a fair chance life and love will come full circle.  Later, when the winds of change swirl again, maybe, you will be in a new space and place, and find yourselves back together again. Multigenerational households are all the rage in the third age.

So go on. With all the love and goodness in your heart driving your intentions…kick ‘em out. Follow the sun. The kids, they’ll be fine.

Much love

Sarah x

Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love: Sarah is a marriage therapist, life & love and relationship coach, end-of-life consultant, an independent and bespoke funeral director and holistic celebrant. She provides holistic care, mentoring, guidance, healing and transformation for individuals, couples and families at their most important times of life & love – at end-of-life, in love & relationship, and in ritual and celebration. Sarah has a relationship online course for couples called “Creating a Miracle Marriage” and a free resource and video series for families facing dying, death and grief called “Landscapes of Life & Love and Loss” .  To find out more, visit www.sarahtolmie.com.au.