Matters of Life & Love – 55+ – Jan 2023
Reader Question: “We are planning downsizing our large family home as we enter our ‘third-age’. The task feels overwhelming but we know it is the right decision however our kids – who are all adults living out of home currently – are disappointed. They love knowing home is always there for them. They love leaving their stuff here between moves and travels. It feels like we are abandoning them. How do I get peace with this and their blessing. And their HELP to get it all done too!?”
Dearly beloved.
- I am going to deliver some hard truth bombs with all my love and compassion and well-meaning encouragement. Yes! Yes, yes, you may indeed be disappointing them and abandoning them, and, they will get over it. And, they will help you, you just need to ask and plan it.
Of course, that will be their first reaction and instinct – to think, ‘what about me?” Bless them! Remember yourself as a young adult and understand that perspective has been their only orientation in life until now, being the recipient and beneficiaries of all your care, efforting and energy. They’ll come around because they love and care for you too and your wellbeing and happiness is within their capacity to embrace.
I see what you are facing as a rite of passage. Our journey through life & love will passage us through many changes and evolvings. In the study of cultures and society (Social Anthropology), there are many clear and identified rites of passage – birth, menarche, adolescent initiation into adulthood, marriage and death are some obvious ones – and there are less obvious ones, which still follow a similar and essential role.
Rites of passage signify and support TRANSFORMATION. What all ‘rites of passage’ have in common is their task to move us from one state of being to another. They usher and passage us through hard/important/significant and/or unavoidable periods of change and challenge in our life. They may have formalised stages, challenges, activities (even ordeals) and also many rituals. Often ending in celebration and re-integration you’ve achieved arriving at your new life status. This may be one of them, and not just for you!
You are entering a new stage of life – moving into your ‘third-age’. Literally moving too. The ordeal of downsizing has many stages – curating your stuff; closing down of one home; selling, moving, buying; and entering all the other new beginnings. It is asking of not only you – but all the family around you – to re-orient to this change in status, place and way of life. It is not meant to be easy, but it is important and necessary. And it is good!
It is also sounds like it is the time for your adult kids to make passage into a new independence and maturity. Their participation in the ‘discomfort’ that this change will demand of them and its effect on their life, choices and pathways, is also essential. This too, it will evolve them into a new age and stage and set of capacities.
Rites of passage provide support and guidance and enable your continued connection as part of family and community. They mark endings and beginnings – completions and renewals – for all involved. Once a rite of passage is enacted, it cannot be reversed or undone. You cannot return to how you were. All are changed.
Small confession – my husband and I are also on a similar trajectory. Our plan is to downsize in the next 12-18 months. Son no.2 who is still at home has plenty of warning. I honour the overwhelm it can present and also share in the glimmer of ‘newness and next’ that is exciting and freeing.
One thing we are doing – which feels like an ordeal (but a good one) is starting a ‘slow lava flow’ from one end of the house to the other of ‘Swedish Death Cleaning’. We are tackling a room at a time for deep cleaning and excavating of stuff. We have not just our sons but a community collective to call upon for help because so many of our peers are in the same boat and we are all helping each other. Call on your ‘gang’ to lend a hand. That’s what community is about.
And all good rites of passage end in celebrations and ceremonies. Be that an end-of-home farewell or party or even a bonfire! And a welcome to the neighbourhood, housewarming, celebration of new life shindig.
I wish you well. It will be fantastic.
Much love
Sarah x
Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love: Sarah is a marriage therapist, life & love and relationship coach, end-of-life consultant, an independent and bespoke funeral director and holistic celebrant. She provides holistic care, mentoring, guidance, healing and transformation for individuals, couples and families at their most important times of life & love – at end-of-life, in love & relationship, and in ritual and celebration. Sarah has a relationship online course for couples called “Creating a Miracle Marriage” and a free resource and video series for families facing dying, death and grief called “Landscapes of Life & Love and Loss”. To find out more, visit www.sarahtolmie.com.au.
