Matters of Life & Love – Families – May
The “Motherload Challenge”
Reader Question: “My mothers group friends all talk about the ‘motherload’. Most of us are not first-time mums, we have a few kids each, and manage schools, daycare and all the childcare and house business. We can end up ‘whining’ a lot about our partners lack of support and it is rubbing off. I am feeling disgruntled when I compare all that I do and hold in my head and then I see all that he isn’t doing. How do I stop the slide into feeling resentful?”
Dearly Beloveds.
I am so pleased to receive your question because this is such a real thing. This is a topic I encounter a lot in my couple therapy sessions.
Yes, there are some partners who find themselves in unfair, asymmetrical and unsupported domestic arrangements. Yes, there are some very entitled and grandiose offenders out there who believe that going to ‘work’ earns them the right to clock off once at home and be taken care of – much like an ‘extra child’. Every now and then I see a spouse in legitimate despair, outrage and defeat at the lack of teamwork on the home and child front and struggling in a disempowered and unfair ‘partnership’.
When a partner ignores or denies or defends this position and forms a rigid belief system of superiority (and let’s face it, it comes with a range of benefits to them), it’s a lose/lose mindset for the relationship and perhaps ultimately for the family. When this happens, it pretty much heralds the doom of relationships – not just creating resentment, but seriously corroding respect, care, tenderness, trust,intimacy and commitment.
Whilst intentional and deliberate manipulation and exercises in power do exist, what is far more common is the slow, slippery slope of drift from criticism and resentment. Most ‘motherload’ conflicts are a failure of communication, empathy and caretaking the relational wellbeing. It is a failure of mindset. Often by both parties.
On one level, the ‘motherload’ conflicts speak to a value, recognition and appreciation problem. If only the work of childcare and house care was appropriately recognised and valued – honoured even – then much of the resentment dissolves. Imagine if you were paid for the hours and ‘mental loading’ worked by you? Imagine if you had to pay someone else to do it? Hmmm.
And now imagine the affect genuine appreciation, acknowledgement, admiration, affection, recognition and respect could have?
I also hear the crush and despair of the other partner. I hear the fatigue and stress of work and earning responsibilities; and the isolation and separation from the family unit it can produce. There is also often a lack of a soft place to come home to and the withdrawal of intimacy and affections; and a lack of tenderness, appreciation and respect.
And so let me repeat and reflect back, imagine the affect genuine appreciation, acknowledgement, admiration, affection, recognition and respect could have?
Comparing and keeping tally produces the conflict postures of ‘criticism and defence’. It is a pointless endeavour when you realise you are in an apples vs oranges debate. Rather, both parties need to understand that a tonne of feathers weighs the same as a tonne of concrete.
The very nature of conflict is pitting one against the other. The antidote to conflict is managing differences. And ultimately, appreciating the differences.
The first key to arresting the slide into resentment is to talk about the resentment and other feelings, not in a blameful way, but inviting each other in to understand and care about the ‘inner experience’ you are having. It requires cultivating empathy and respect and building a culture of appreciation for each other. This takes high skill. The Gottman Relationship Care Model is very good for facilitating this kind of skills development.
But more than skill, I believe this asks you both to take an elevated viewpoint and see the relationship as a “whole system”. I love that in your question you referred to ‘house business’ because yes, children and a house are a shared creation and legacy. A domestic and parenting couple are in a lifelong ‘joint investment’ above and beyond a job or your separate roles or responsibilities. This is the business of ‘life & love”.
A loud complaint of the ‘motherload’ resentment is that you can’t ‘clock off’. It is 24/7, ubiquitous and you don’t get a break. Rather than taking a break from home and parenting, what is needed is that both parties adopt a 24/7 mindset! When you think of your life and love together holistically, as a living ecosystem – where all the parts depend on and support each other’s wellbeing – this is whole systems thinking that will help build a robust and thriving partnership.
The most important factor for its success will be the QUALITY of your RELATIONSHIP. Relational wellbeing should therefore become your No.1 PRIORITY. Everything in the system depends on both of you being motivated, rewarded and working as a team for a united purpose.
When a couple place relational wellbeing as their No.1 priority and develop healthy skills and caretaking practices to manage conflict and increase love and appreciation, the motherload problem can dissolve. Keeping tally can stop.
Next time a ‘motherload’ partner beat up with your mum mates presents itself – take pause – and excuse yourself from the conversation. Criticism and defensiveness create resentment and hurt, and your relationship will suffer. The relationship ‘ecosystem’ will become toxic. Instead, start a different conversation with your partner. Find a path towards a more empowering mindset that finds solutions so you can all thrive in life & love.
Much love
Sarah x
Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love: Sarah is a marriage therapist, life & love and relationship coach, end-of-life consultant, an independent and bespoke funeral director and holistic celebrant. She provides holistic care, mentoring, guidance, healing and transformation for individuals, couples and families at their most important times of life & love – at end-of-life, in love & relationship, and in ritual and celebration. Sarah has a relationship online course for couples called “Creating a Miracle Marriage”; a wellbeing course, called “How do you feel?”; and a free resource and video series for families facing dying, death and grief called “Landscapes of Life & Love and Loss”. To find out more, visit www.sarahtolmie.com.au and www.lifeandlove.teachable.com
